This morning I woke to M looking at me through my mosquito net. I was bit startled; she said, "Daddy, please smile and be happy."
I almost answered, "I AM happy, what do you mean?" but checked myself because the tone that was about to come out of my mouth definitely was not.
Since smiling & hugging her good morning I've been meditating on this. My first response was, "Of course I'm happy!" and in a general, big-picture sense that is true. But kids have a wonderful ability to see right through the filters, smokescreens and rationalizations we give, right to the heart. I have been a bit grumpy (see - even now I give it an alternate name): haven't slept much and felt stressed by the move. Really, I'm sad about leaving friends behind in Dhaka, and before that, Maine. For the last week I have operated in an impersonal survival mode. M saw right through it.
Where do we lose that? Perhaps, when I answer and say, "I AM happy, I just didn't sleep enough." or, "I'm not unhappy, I'm just thinking." or myriad other answers, I am teaching my children to give euphemistic names to their genuine emotions or to cloak how they feel in layers of excuse. I'm teaching them that it's not OK to be sad. Somewhere along the way we all learn that.
And there's a reason - it enables us to function when necessary - it's a coping mechanism. But can't I teach them that it's OK to feel deeply, to give them room to do so, and then, afterward, to get up and do what needs doing? If you protect yourself with rationalizations and euphemisms it's certainly easier.
I almost answered, "I AM happy, what do you mean?" but checked myself because the tone that was about to come out of my mouth definitely was not.
Since smiling & hugging her good morning I've been meditating on this. My first response was, "Of course I'm happy!" and in a general, big-picture sense that is true. But kids have a wonderful ability to see right through the filters, smokescreens and rationalizations we give, right to the heart. I have been a bit grumpy (see - even now I give it an alternate name): haven't slept much and felt stressed by the move. Really, I'm sad about leaving friends behind in Dhaka, and before that, Maine. For the last week I have operated in an impersonal survival mode. M saw right through it.
And there's a reason - it enables us to function when necessary - it's a coping mechanism. But can't I teach them that it's OK to feel deeply, to give them room to do so, and then, afterward, to get up and do what needs doing? If you protect yourself with rationalizations and euphemisms it's certainly easier.
You are a good dad to understand this.
ReplyDeleteThis is great, Ben--both thoughtful and thought-provoking. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteProud of you, brother. It is tremendously important to know that it is ok to feel deeply. Your kiddos are all sensitive in the best ways, and I am so glad you recognize and value that! Love you all.
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