I’ve been mulling this over for some time: it’s a first draft of my
thoughts. To contextualize it for
the USA:
Imagine you
meet someone in a coffee shop, a friendly person with whom you easily envision
striking up a friendship. The
conversation ranges all over and doesn’t just skim the surface either. They’re interested in your life and it
feels … as though there’s real connection. You even realize you’ll be late for another appointment
because you’ve been so engrossed in conversation! Then, your new acquaintance,
calling you by an affectionate name, mentions some recent financial difficulties
and rather heavily hints that they could use a loan of $1000 and directly asks
you to lean on a friend to get them a job. A salary of at least $55,000/year would be acceptable.
Whoah! Where did that
come from? How do you feel?
Did they chat you up just for a job? Is there a giant dollar sign hanging directly over your
head? Do you look like a walking
wallet? Ugh. All of a sudden, what you took to be
genuine interest takes on a less charitable hue.
This has happened to me, more or less, three times. I had been told, before I arrived in
this country, that this was common. I was told, as a westerner, what my visceral response would
be: it was exactly as
predicted. Now I have to work on
the other half of what I was taught: seeing it from another perspective.
It was explained to me, by someone with nearly 30 yrs experience in
this part of the world, that all relationships
involve money. “So try to look
beyond your American prejudice.”
It is the currency of relationship. Another ‘older & wiser’ told me the
most common relational dynamic here is ‘patron-beneficiary’; there are certain
expectations that someone who is wealthy (and every westerner is ‘wealthy’) will help others. It’s a societal norm – to be otherwise
is to be ‘cheap’ or a miser. People and loyalty are what matter here. Efficiency matters less than relationship.
Maybe it will help to tell the story from another perspective.
Imagine you
meet someone at a coffee shop, a friendly person with whom you easily envision
striking up a friendship. The
conversation ranges all over and doesn’t just skim the surface either. Unlike so many others, they seem
genuinely interested in your life and it feels … as though there’s a real
connection. In fact, you perceive
real affection – as though they’re offering close
friendship. You make a snap
decision to risk your honor and show the weakness of your true situation – your
desperate need for a job and your financial straits. This person seems like they could be a real friend and
potentially help the way true friends do.
You make the leap and … you watch their eyes glaze and the almost
imperceptible recoil. Did you
misread them? What is wrong? Could
they really be that selfish and hung up on money?
Don’t imagine I really know what someone from this culture
is thinking, nor that my gut response was wrong, but you get the idea
that there can be another perspective. This is currently the single most challenging thing I’m
learning to navigate. I don't know how the pieces will fall nor quite what to think. It'll be a work in progress for some time, I hope
.
