This Close

It's after one, and I'm about to drop off.  This post is not for kids.

So... doctors have 'clouds'.  Imagine a little cloud that follows you around - kind of like Charlie Brown.  If you have a black cloud, you seldom sleep on call and it's always busy.
If you have a white cloud, you usually sleep and have quiet call nights.

During residency I was voted runner-up for "Most likely to develop bedsores while on call".  It may not have been meant entirely kindly (most of the awards weren't) but I think I took it pretty well.  :)
I've always had a white cloud.   This past week, though...

The first night was the worst night of my professional career for mortality.  I lost four patients in one night.  While I'm told it's not that uncommon here, I've never even come close to that many deaths in a single night before.

The next call night was again crazy - no deaths, but I came home spattered with blood and some other stuff.  You remember "ER"?  I always said that real life wasn't quite so fast-paced.  Well, it can be.

Tonight is quieter.  I expect to lose one, or less likely, two.  You are close to death here.  So close, it's as if you were sitting down for coffee and a chat with it regularly.  My part is delayed - I must wear a cloak of professionalism to insulate me when I need to function despite being a few feet from a wailing mother and baby whose husband-father is dying under my hands.  But if you are the family, or the patient it's really close and really personal.

Do you have questions in your life you prefer not to think about?  Are there big ones: the life-changers - that you ought to think about but it's easier not to?  Don't put them off.  There's no time like the present and they are worth answering.